We Need More Happy, Healthy, Horny Men

I think the world needs more horny men.

There. I said it.

This might sound like the last thing women need. "Aren't horny men already the problem?"

But I'm not talking about desperate men. Or entitled men. Or men who think their desire creates an obligation for somebody else.

I'm talking about happy, healthy, horny men.

Men who enjoy being alive.

Men who like women. Who enjoy their company. Who are attracted to them, flirt with them, laugh with them and - when the feeling is mutual - desire them.

Men who can hear no without collapsing.

And who can enthusiastically receive yes.

Horniness isn't the problem

I think we've developed a strange relationship with male sexuality.

Somewhere along the way, we've blurred an important distinction.

Male sexuality is not the same thing as male sexual entitlement.

Desire isn't violence.

Attraction isn't disrespect.

Flirting isn't coercion.

Wanting sex isn't the same as believing you're owed sex.

And yet I think a lot of men have absorbed a different message:

Your desire is bad.

For decades, advertising, television and movies positively revelled in the "male gaze". Beautiful women were everywhere, quite deliberately there to be looked at.

There were problems with that, and women understandably pushed back against being reduced to decorative objects.

But perhaps we overcorrected.

Appreciating someone's beauty and reducing them to a body aren't the same thing.

We're allowed to find each other beautiful.

We're allowed to look at each other.

We're allowed to enjoy being looked at.

Fortunately, I think I see this coming back.

Maybe the answer to the male gaze was never no gaze at all.

Maybe we just needed a more human one.

Better have a good poker face

Recently, in a small group of men, someone mentioned how nice it was to talk to "lovely, young women."

The response came quickly.

Maybe go with "interesting young people," because otherwise it gives off "dirty old man vibes."

"Better have a very good poker face."

It struck me as a sad little exchange.

Because enjoying the company of lovely young women is a pretty ordinary thing for a heterosexual man to feel.

We like women.

We notice beauty.

We enjoy feminine energy.

We enjoy flirting, laughter, warmth and attention.

Why should we need a poker face about that?

And there's a strange contradiction here.

I've heard women come back from overseas saying almost the mirror image.

The men actually approach you!

They tell you you're beautiful!

They flirt with you!

And then:

Australian men are hopeless.

I remember reading a piece in The Age a few years ago by a young French woman who had spent about a year in Melbourne, working in Carlton. One of the things that astonished her was that during that entire time, she hadn't been approached by a single man.

I've tried to find the article again and haven't been able to, so I'm relying on my memory here. But it stuck with me because I've heard versions of the same thing from women themselves.

Perhaps these things are connected.

The anxious man

Men have absorbed an enormous amount of instruction about how to be a "good man".

Don't stare.

Don't objectify.

Don't be pushy.

Don't misread friendliness.

Don't make her uncomfortable.

Don't be creepy.

Most men genuinely don't want to be creepy.

But flirting is messy. Attraction is ambiguous. You can't know with certainty whether somebody wants you to approach them until somebody takes a risk.

And now there's another thing to worry about:

How could this be framed online?

It's not just Will she be interested? or Will I make a dick of myself?

It's: Could this be filmed? Could someone post about it? Could an awkward attempt at flirting become "creepy man approaches woman at gym"?

Is it worth the risk?

We've all seen the social-media pile-ons.

And unfortunately, some of the loudest voices around male sexuality are also some of the angriest.

Social media rewards outrage. It can take the most hostile interpretation of male desire and put it in front of millions of people.

Men notice.

So we become careful.

Maybe too careful.

Don't approach. Don't look too long. Don't say the wrong thing. Don't show too much interest.

Better have a good poker face.

And I wonder whether that's part of how we've ended up with this rather boring, anxious sexual culture in Australia.

Men and women still want each other.

But everyone's standing around trying not to get it wrong.

Women enjoy male desire too

Something gets forgotten in all of this.

Women enjoy male desire.

Not from every man. Not in every situation.

But when women feel safe, many want something remarkably simple from men: to enjoy each other's company.

To talk. Laugh. Flirt. Touch. Play. Feel attractive and desired.

And yes, to have sex.

Sex is fun. It's meant to be.

Being desired by someone you desire is one of life's great pleasures.

There's something lovely about someone looking at you and thinking:

Wow.

There's something fun about sexual tension.

The glance held slightly too long.

The uncertainty.

The showing off.

The approach.

The moment you realise the person you're attracted to might be attracted to you too.

Men and women have been doing this ridiculous dance for thousands of years.

The flirting.

The rejection.

The success.

The sex.

The falling in love.

The babies.

Human civilisation would look rather different without horny people.

The problem is unhappy horniness

There is another kind of 'horny' man.

He's lonely.

He feels undesirable.

He desperately wants women to validate him.

He interprets rejection as proof that there's something fundamentally wrong with him.

He might become resentful. Retreat into pornography. Give up on women altogether. Or spend more and more of his life online with other unhappy men.

That's not a problem caused by too much healthy male sexuality.

It's what can happen when sexuality becomes disconnected from confidence, belonging, relationships and self-worth.

And I think we need to take this seriously.

Sex isn't just orgasm.

It's tied up with touch. Affection. Being wanted. Partnership. Love. Belonging. And, for many people, having children and creating a family.

Male sexual wellbeing is part of male wellbeing.

The answer isn't to make men less sexual.

It's to help men become healthier.

A Man needs a life

A healthy male life isn't just about sexuality - and sexuality isn't just about sex.

A man needs a full life, including friends.

Purpose.

A body he uses.

Something useful to do.

People who are pleased to see him.

He needs to get out of his head and into the world.

He needs to talk to women.

He needs to flirt.

To take a risk.

To approach.

To notice whether his interest is reciprocated.

And, importantly, to get rejected sometimes.

Because sometimes she won't be interested.

That's life.

A healthy man can survive that.

He can smile, wish her well and carry on with his evening.

He doesn't need every woman to want him.

He doesn't need women to repair his self-esteem.

But he also doesn't need to pretend he isn't interested.

His sexuality isn't something shameful that needs to be hidden behind a good poker face.

It's part of his vitality.

I don't want men to become less sexual.

I want men to become more alive.

Men with friends.

Men with purpose.

Men who look after themselves.

Men who enjoy women.

Men who can look at a woman and think God, she's beautiful without feeling ashamed of the thought.

Men who can sometimes even tell her.

Men who can hear no without falling apart.

And receive yes with enthusiasm.

Your desire is good.

Her desire is good.

Being alive is good.

Let's create more happy, healthy, horny men.

Want to feel more alive?

If you've recognised yourself somewhere in this piece - too much time in your head, second-guessing yourself, playing it safe, feeling disconnected from women, or simply not feeling much fire anymore - this is exactly the sort of thing I like working with men on.

Not how to become an "alpha male".

Not how to perform some approved version of masculinity.

How to become more you - confident, connected, purposeful, playful and alive.

We'll look at what's getting in the way, where you want to go, and what you can actually do about it.

Book a coaching session with me and let's get some movement happening.